We have all in been in a place where we feel unsatisfied with various aspects of our lives, whether that be at work, with family or with our personal sense of success. After wading the water for a while, doing all you can to get where you want, you realize you just don’t have what it is you need to get unstuck. Ever wonder why the universe hasn’t dropped your abundance in your lap yet? Let’s explore why you might not have what it is you need to live the more fulfilled life you deserve.
Why Don’t I Have What I Need?
1. You don’t know what you need
You are not yet clear on your vision for “happy,” so get clear now. One of he biggest aha moments when working with my couples is when I ask “what do you need from your partner right at this moment” and one realizes they cannot verbalize this. In this instance I get a peek into what this couple experiences at home. How frustrated must you feel to not know your need, but imagine how helpless a partner might feel who is also in the dark with you, wanting to do nothing more than help you walk out of this place of sadness.
A common go to is for us to ask others what their needs are and hope we can use their ideas of contentment for ourselves. That doesn’t always work out as we are just so unique in our make up. One of the best tips I’d suggest in a phase of self discovery is mindfulness through meditation. Meditation can look different for different people but whatever it looks like for you, it should allow you space to clear your mind enough to get in touch with what gives you peace and ultimately more happiness in your life. Also, talking to a professional, who’s purpose is to actively listen more than give you advice on what they think is best for you, allows for a space of genuine processing and discovery of real goals and personal needs.
2. You’re not asking for what you need
What this looks like is you have had this nagging gut feeling about exactly what you are struggling with and what action would put you at ease. However….for some reason when it comes time to voice this, you are frozen in maybe fear, shame, hopelessness or self disappointment. Maybe you are afraid if you speak up about what you want, you will be met with rejection, and no one likes how rejection feels. Maybe you are ashamed of what you need because you’ve been told it’s a “selfish” thing to want and that doesn’t sit well with your values. Maybe you feel like what you need is just impossible or too difficult to obtain or maybe you feel like it is weak to need anything at all.
These blocks between keeping quiet and asserting yourself are usually connected to our personal narratives and long held beliefs. Where do we begin the work of writing a new story and practicing healthier thoughts for our lives going forward? Now would be a good time. If you’re at this place where you already know what you want, half the work is having clarity and visualization, but the other half you need to author a new chapter in your life is the belief that you are worthy of the abundance of good things the universe has to offer and you deserve to have your needs heard.
3. Who you’re asking to give you what you need, either can’t or won’t
You’ve asked your boss for a raise, more convenient hours or tools to make your job easier, and it never seems to happen. You’ve finally worked up the nerve and had the hard conversation with your loved one about your discomfort with some aspect of your relationship. You’ve gained clarity, gathered bravery and taken action, and yet… nothing’s happening. Here’s a hard fact: It may not happen from where you’re standing right now.
If what you seek from your job is more flexibility, independence and creative freedom, its possible your boss is the wrong person to ask for that as where you work now is just not setup for your unique dreams of grandeur. Your boo may not have the same vision of partnership, affection and romance that you have. They also, may not welcome change or be at a place in their lives where they can provide what you crave (i.e. Commitment, parenthood, real intimacy, etc).
We always have choices. Choice Theory discusses humans basic needs having to be met somehow, but also talks about the choices you have when they are not: You Change in hopes of being a role model for what you want, You Accept that things will likely remain the same or you Leave your circumstance and create a new, acceptable situation for yourself.
So we’ve covered why it’s likely your needs are not being met, but what you do with this is totally up to you. We all have our reasons for standing still, for moving forward and for demanding change. Whatever your motivation is, it’s likely valid and the corresponding behavior probably met your immediate need. Wherever you are in your stage of change, keep making choices that serve you and at the end of the day, always CHOOSE JOY.